More like Sex Flags…

It’s been 2 years since I picked up genital warts from that Russian slut at Six Flags, New Jersey. That was the first mistake, going to a hellhole like Jersey. But anyway, this girl said her name was “Alexandra” or some shit (I actually can’t even verify that) and that she was here on a student visa. In reality, I think she just wanted to bone American dudes and get them to buy her shit. And what better place to pick up a bro in cutoff sleeves with tribal tattoos than at the dingiest Six Flags in America?

 

I was feeling shitty after my third “Super Nachos Grande” (which cost me no less than $35—don’t get me started) when this fake blonde with faker tits comes up to me and asks me—in perfect Russian-English—how far we were to New York City. What the fuck?

 

Putting my imminent diarrhea aside, my horniness took over. Let’s be honest, it’s not often that a semi-attractive girl approaches a single dude at a Six Flags with a random ass question.

“New York?” I repeated.

 

She nodded and smiled brightly.

 

“Never heard of it.”

 

This lead into that and before I knew it, I was getting a blowjob in the back of my Wrangler somewhere in lot R. Don’t ask how exactly I enticed her to come back to my car (in the middle of summer) and blow me. I think I promised her citizenship and a free bus ticket to New York provided she proved that Russian girls weren’t all prudes (I don’t know if they’re prudish or not—I just assumed).

 

Before I knew it, we were boning and I was sweating nacho cheese.  I’d say she was pretty good, although when asked (like a true gentleman) where I should release my seed, she pointed outside and said, “nyet in here.” Without thinking, I kicked open the back door like Bruce Wills in a Die Hard movie and released into the parking lot. I think a young boy may have seen me but I’m not sure.

 

So why do I hate Six Flags? Well I’ll tell you. A week or so later, I’m getting in the shower when I notice a nasty bump on the side of my dick. Not like a pimple mind you, this lumpy bastard was greenish and wrinkly like a rotting pea. That Russian slut, I knew her vagina looked discolored and smelled funk-a-licious. Needless to say, hooking up with a chick for the next few months was a no go. I’d bring a girl back to my place and we’d just chat, or she’d make me eat her out. My excuse for not taking my pants off was that I had just had surgery on my testicles and was “fragile.” If asked if she could see, I told her that in actuality I had diarrhea. That usually cleared them out pretty quickly. So thank you Six Flags for giving me genital warts and ruining my young adulthood. I’ll likely get a season pass for next summer though.

I have never been to Six Flags but I know for a fact that I fucking hate that place. I wasn’t allowed to go on the band field trip in eighth grade because I didn’t play any instruments which was so stupid because people are in bands all the time and don’t know how to play any instruments and I have a lot of charisma and I’m really pretty and I could totally have been an important part of the school band. ANYWAYS while all of my friends went to Six Flags for no good reason at all my boyfriend who played the saxophone put his HANDS on the BOOBS of a FUCKING FLAUTIST. I hate flutes and I hate anyone that puts their mouth on a flute and I hate the word flautist and I hated that all of my friends went to Six Flags and that MARK PUT HIS HANDS ON SOMEONE ELSE’S BOOBS and I was totally going to let him do that to me like the next weekend but instead he went to fucking six flags so fuck six flags.

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This website sucks. The article below this article sucks. The article above this article probably sucks. Circus music is a bad idea. Good job, Chark. You suck. Six flags is never quite as wonderful as I expect it to be.

Here is an email sent by a supporter. Note that she feels “embarrassed” by living so close to Six Flags. You don’t need to feel embarrassed anymore Christina! You’ve found a home where people think like you, and share your distaste. Thanks for your contribution!

Six Flags? Don’t even get me started on that kingdom of filth. I worked there for a few months, until I quit. It wasn’t worth minimum wage pay and the disgusting mongrels (guests) who attend the kingdom of filth. Everything about that place disgusts me. The bathrooms always smell like dead bodies left to rot in the sun. The trash is always flowing with the rotten “food” they serve. I wouldn’t even call that shit food. It’s more like a substance that attracts overly obese people, since grease literally drips off anything you try to buy. I wouldn’t even eat at work on my break. All the food was greasy and disgusting. If I wanted to gain 400 pounds a day, I’d sit home and eat 10 gallons of ice cream every day for the rest of my life, which is the equivalent to one chicken tender at Six Flags. All I can say is, “Fuck that place. Fuck it.” It was a horrid experience working there and I pity anyone who has no choice but to work there. If you go there in your free time at your own will, you need to get your brain evaluated. There is something terribly wrong with you. That place is stupid and disgusting, and I’m embarrassed to live one town away from Six Flags New England.

Here is an email from a supporter. Thanks for your contribution Blair!

Six Flags is awful in every single way I live about twenty minutes away from six flags and the only thing I’m not afraid to eat is the candy and the closed down panda express that wasn’t getting any business because it was twenty fucking dollars for a side of orange chicken. I’ve always been dragged there for birthdays and what not and I would be terrified of how the rides were so up high and how I’ve heard so many stories of people dying and I won’t step foot in Hurricane Harbor because last time I went they actually shut the wave pool down because of how many people were peeing in it are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!?!?!?!? There’s trash EVERYWHERE, puke EVERYWHERE, dirty tables and dirty everything EVERYWHERE and if you want to pee you’re safer sitting down on the pavement than actually on the toilet seat. The people are extremely rude and me being a female I feel like I’m going to get raped by the hood rats and “gangstas” because of the comments they say to me. During the summer Six Flags also brings in people from Taiwan, Japan, Korea, etc that don’t speak a lick of fucking English so if you were trying to find something good luck you’re on your own. Another thing I’m not in shape but I’m definitely not fat and those goddamn hills are killer in 100 degree weather who puts an amusement park on a mountain? This year they priced the tickets cheaply on the internet for 30 dollars but usually its around 60 bucks and another 30 for parking and about 12 dollars for a soda Disneyland is clean and safe with very friendly employees and people not to mention clean bathrooms and their tickets are about 75 dollars and parking is 15 honestly if you went to Disneyland by yourself you could spend about 150 bucks. I hate Six Flags it’s the definition of hell.

Here is an email from a supporter. Thanks for your contribution Molly!

Six flags is the epitome of evil. It was created so that the creeps that made it can see all different types of people throw up. Why don’t they just make me ride a horse?! They do the same thing, give you a wedgie and make you throw up. The only difference between a horse, and Six Flags is horses don’t have “food”. Six Flag’s food is made so that they can 1. Torture mooses 2. Learn how to mix panda meat, and moose meat together perfectly, and 3. Get people even more likely to throw up, so the creeps that made it can watch them throw up. When I went to Six Flags, when I was going home, my eyes were red, because it had deprived me of my 12 hour (minimum) of sleep, my feet were red, from waiting in line for at least two hours per ride (I only went on about 3 rides), and I had not eaten there, because I do not believe in eating mooses. I HATE SIX FLAGS!!!

There are many things to be learned from interviews. In the case of Mike Abiuso’s interview with The Sound Alarm, I have learned two things. One is that Mike Abiuso seriously loves Six Flags. The other is that I hate Mike Abiuso. And it’s not because of his slender grasp of basic physics or his blatant disregard for proper spelling and grammar. It’s because I happen to hate Six Flags, and therefore by extension, I hate him too. So I’m going to counter his 6 reasons he loves Six Flags with 6 reasons of my own to hate Six Flags.

#6. It’s All A Scam
So you and your family are going on a trip to Six Flags. Unless you’ve pulled some elusive strings, you’ve probably just paid the regular price of about 40 to 50 dollars for each ticket. Good job! Once you finally get there, you’ll find that it’s going to cost you another 30 goddamn bucks to park! What are you going to do? Turn around and go home? Hell no! You’ve just dropped around 200 dollars on this trip already and you’re not even IN the park yet. They’ve really got you by the balls here and you know you’re going to drop that extra $30 for a parking space (if you can find one, that is).

"Fuck It! We're going home!"

So now that you’re finally in, you’re ready to get on some rides. But you have to wait in those infernal lines first! In fact, more than half the time you’re there, you’re going to be waiting in lines with your thumb up your ass. Some wait-times go up around 1 or 2 hours! And God help you if there’s a malfunction to add another hour to your wait.

If you actually want to get ON some of the rides, you can get this thing called a Flash Pass. You just have to pay the extra low-cost of about another 20 to 30 dollars. Depending on which pass you get, you could potentially get the red carpet treatment all the way up to the front of the line (as well as the ‘royal-douche-of-the-park’ treatment). If you get the slightly cheaper pass, then you still pretty much have to wait the same amount of time. All it does is eliminate the aspect of waiting while you’re in line. So you just reserve a spot and go have your thumb up your ass elsewhere! Oh joy!

You will likely be bored as hell on some of these rides anyway

And of course you can’t go on EVERY ride. What about the extra thrilling ones like the Dare Devil Dive or the Bungee Jump Swing? You know, the BEST ones! Sorry, they’re going to charge you more to get on those rides. And there’s virtually no good reason for this. Those rides cost less to make than some of the bigger roller coasters around the park that they’re letting you on for free! They’re just charging you more because, fuck, you’ll pay it! You sorry sap.

At some point between puking your brains out after rides and just being in the park for hours to get your money’s-worth, you’re probably going to get hungry. You can’t eat your own food, because they’ve made sure you won’t have any when you come in. Your only choice is to pick among their several options of “yummy cuisine” and dish out some more cash for their overpriced and shitty food. Which brings us to….

#5. The Food Is Lousy
A lot of the food you’ll find at Six Flags is basically the equivalent of a prepared Lunchables lunch gone through an Easybake Oven. Actually, that example is probably healthier and more appetizing than their own food. The food is very ill-prepared and very bad for you, and if you’re lucky the worst you’ll get is the runs.

The reason for this is because Six Flags food establishments suffers from the Fast Food syndrome, but far worse. The food has to be prepared in such a way that requires little skill and minimal training, because their employees are only around for a short season. Nobody is long-term. Your average Burger King employee has more skills and knows more about food than these people.

At least he knows to wait for the "Ding!"

And lets face it, Dippin’ Dots is bullshit ice cream that doesn’t fucking belong anywhere but in Space, far away from the decent folk with much better options for frozen treats.

#4. Their Mascot Is Fucking Creepy
Every self-respecting amusement park needs to have an icon. Disneyland has the loveable Mickey Mouse. Universal Studios has the fucking Earth. Legoland has those awesome Lego minifigures. Six Flags figured out very quickly that they couldn’t just count on a bunch of flags. This is America, and there’s only one flag that counts here.

This one, right?

So Six Flags needed a mascot that would be memorable. Something jolly and inviting for all the kids to love. And of course, something family-friendly. So what did they land on?

This guy:

Perfect!

I’m sure you’re familiar with the notorious Mr. Six. You know, the happy-go-lucky energetic old koot that kind of sort of looks like your weird uncle that’s always asking you to sit on his lap. He made his debut in the big “It’s Playtime!” Six Flags commercial, forever teaching young little boys and girls that it’s totally okay to hop inside an old man’s bus as long as he’s dancing to 90′s dance-pop and promising “Playtime.” And you know what? America ate that shit right up! They fucking love the guy!

Afterall, who the hell doesn't love pedophile mascots?

And just like that, Mr. Six became the face of Six Flags. You can find him prowling around any park, dancing around and inviting you to come close to him for a picture so he can sniff your hair and give you a nice pat on the rump when you’re done. Just like Uncle Slippy-Finger.

#3. Just About Any Six Flags Attraction May Kill You
It should be no surprise that incidents at Six Flags happens… A lot. It’s no big secret that between precarious design and lack of safety procedures, there is real danger in many of of their rides and attractions. Except if you actually work at Six Flags, then it’s a very hush-hush topic. But everyone already knows that a lot of the rides can kill or injure you. What they don’t know is that the rides MAY kill or injure you. I don’t mean it could happen – I mean it’s ALLOWED to happen.

Because of a convenient loophole, there is currently no federal regulation of amusement parks. That means no one outside of the amusement park’s own paid staff are overseeing the safety of their rides!

Well, that’s okay. If an accident happens, you can still sue them, right? WRONG! Thanks to a little thing called “Rider Responsibility,” the moment you enter a ride, you have basically agreed to all of their safety, health, and legal warnings. You know, the ones that are on that gigantic sign that’s required to be at the front of the ride. The one you totally didn’t even think to read!

tl;dr!

This means that generally if a catastrophic accident occurred, they’re not responsible! You are! Over 90% of all accidents in amusement parks are caused by riders. Why? Because they wrote the freaking rules that way. If a seat belt breaks, it’s because you’re too fat or too skinny. If your head gets decapitated, it’s because you’re too tall or too stupid. Name any sort of incident, and they’ll figure out a way to turn it right around and make it the rider’s fault!

#2. It’s Disgusting
Six Flags is a very big place and like many big places, it’s very hard to manage and keep tidy. It doesn’t matter if you’re at Six Flags as soon as it opens at 10:30AM, you’re still going to find overflowing trashcans, benches covered in sticky soda, and wads of old gum all over tables.

And God help you if you need to use the bathroom

Remember that bit about the incompetent employees earlier? Well, it turns out that it’s not only the food that suffers because of this. Employees are not very apt to the mundane things that come with their job like picking up trash, washing tables, and cleaning up the pools of vomit everywhere. So they pretty much don’t even do it. And who’s to make them? Have you ever seen any Six Flags managers around anywhere? No one is overseeing these slackers. So naturally, no one is picking up or cleaning anything.

#1. The People of Six Flags Are The Worst
People suck. But Six Flags people suck even harder! Six Flags is a gathering spot for some of the worst kinds of human beings imaginable. It is seriously a menagerie of ugly, rude, and disgusting people.

Almost as bad as this guy

I’ve already talked briefly about the incompetent employees that generally consist of low-life teenagers and adults that have made too many bad decisions in their lives. But what about the attendees; the people that the park was made for?

Just about everything bad about Six Flags that I’ve listed is actually some of the main things that attract all the wrong people. Like the shitty food I mentioned earlier? That tends to draw in a huge crowd of fat disgusting slobs. I’m talking about the ones with cardiovascular disorder; the ones that just make you sick to even look at. You generally see them gather around in the water park areas, taking up most of the space in swimming pools. Or you see them falling out of roller coaster rides, because they’re too fucking fat to stay on, but just fat enough to be covered by the Americans With Disabilities Act so the workers can’t turn them away!

And what about the hardcore gangster thugs and the ghetto-ass hoodrats that come with them (because, you know, they’re a package deal)? For some reason, when they’re not out on the streets throwing up gang signs and living the “Hood Lyfe.” They like to take some down time and go to Six Flags to throw up their gang signs and remind everyone around them that they are from the Hood (and refuse to stay there).

And last, but not least, the most horrible people of all are the stupid people. They very well could be a combination of any of the people listed above. You know who they are, but the worst thing about them is that they don’t know who they are! They’re the ones that practically need their hands held while they navigate the park, because they can’t read a fucking map. They’re the idiots that hold up the ride, because they can’t get the damn safety devices on them right. I say just leave them and let them fall to their death! I think Charles Darwin would agree with me. He’s a pretty smart guy and everyone knows that smart people are the best people.

Ladies and gentleman, it just so happens that Mike Abiuso is a part of the latter group of people that I’ve mentioned. He’s one of the stupid people that actually enjoys the God-awful hellhole that is Six Flags – and he does it with a burning passion.